<div><p>In this hectic world of ours we often forget to stop and smell the roses. If your life seems like it's going by too fast we have the perfect solution: a long list of funny jokes!</p><p>Reddit user scarlett_j got the ball rolling when he asked "<a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/5z4b1u/whats_a_short_clean_joke_that_gets_a_laugh_every/">What's a short, clean joke that gets a laugh every time</a>?" </p><p>People flooded him with hilarious responses that are easy to remember and guaranteed to put a smile on your family's face. We've collected 50 of the thread's best jokes for you to enjoy. Turn your phone off and take a few minutes to read it through from start to finish, we guarantee it will make your day better!</p><div><figure><amp-img src="https://www.shared.com/content/images/2017/03/Funny-Cartoon-Pictures-13-570x428.jpg" srcset="https://www.shared.com/content/images/2017/03/Funny-Cartoon-Pictures-13-570x428_GH_content_550px.jpg 550w" sizes="89vw" title="" alt="" height="9" width="16" layout="responsive"></amp-img><figcaption class="op-vertical-center"><cite>FunnyPica</cite></figcaption></figure></div><p><!-- [invalid-shortcode] --></p><p></p><p>1. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes. - BoxxerUOP</p><p>2. What thinks the unthinkable? An itheberg. - mariana_m</p><p>3. Why don't ants get sick? Because they have little antybodies. - bonanzoid</p><p>4. Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba dum tiss! - RayBrower</p><p>5. I've been told I'm condescending. (That means I talk down to people). - iblinkyoubling</p><p>6. Ever noticed that glass tastes like blood?</p><p>7. I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. - KaboomBoxer</p><p>8. Knock knock</p><p>Who's there?</p><p>Dishes.</p><p>Dishes who?</p><p>Dishes Sean Connery. - Birdie_Num_Num</p><p>9. I used to be addicted to soap. But now I'm clean. - VictorBlimpMuscle</p><p>10. What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey. - Wicked Wanderer</p><p></p><div><figure><amp-img src="https://www.shared.com/content/images/2017/03/Funny-Cartoon-Pictures-18-570x499.jpg" srcset="https://www.shared.com/content/images/2017/03/Funny-Cartoon-Pictures-18-570x499_GH_content_550px.jpg 550w" sizes="89vw" title="" alt="" height="9" width="16" layout="responsive"></amp-img><figcaption class="op-vertical-center"><cite>FunnyPica</cite></figcaption></figure></div><p></p><p><!-- [invalid-shortcode] --></p><p></p><p>11. A wife tells her husband "Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen." They had eggs, so he came home with a dozen loaves of bread. -SuperFreakyNaughty</p><p>12. How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west. - fireworkslass</p><p>13. I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 Bobs. - breadman666</p><p>14. What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? A labracadabrador. - leahcure</p><p>15. What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philipe Philope. - Soowhatisthis</p><p>16. A Mexican magician says he will dissapear on the count of 3. He says "uno, dos..." <em>poof. </em>He disappeared without a tres. - Dust_Pan_Ninja</p><p>17. And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster. </p><p>18. I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer. - </p><p>19. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down. - Spysquirrel</p><p>20. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day - ImHully</p><div><figure><a href="https://www.facebook.com/bizarrocomics" target="_blank"><amp-img src="https://www.shared.com/content/images/2017/03/9ba1f2f1ae62efb20b935409935831ea.jpg" srcset="https://www.shared.com/content/images/2017/03/9ba1f2f1ae62efb20b935409935831ea_GH_content_550px.jpg 550w" sizes="89vw" title="" alt="" height="9" width="16" layout="responsive"></amp-img></a><figcaption class="op-vertical-center"><cite><a href="https://www.facebook.com/bizarrocomics" target="_blank">Bizarro Comics</a></cite></figcaption></figure></div><p><!-- [invalid-shortcode] --></p><p></p><p>21. I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo. - kailey_sara</p><p>22. What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing. - Melciah_III</p><p>23. This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder. - WikiWantsYourPics</p><p>24. I bought my friend an elephant for his room.</p><p>He said "thanks."</p><p>I said "don't mention it." - 3shirts</p><p>25. The Secret Service just had to change protocol for when the president is in danger. Instead of yelling "get down!", they have to yell "Donald, duck!" - ThroughDifferentEyes</p><p></p><p><strong>Click the next page to see more knee-slapping jokes!</strong></p><p></p><p></p><p>26. What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted. - Dave-Stark</p><p>27. I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible." - Rndomguytf</p><p>28. My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said "40." - 3shirts</p><p>29. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised. - megan_james</p><p>30. I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it. - kate_winslat</p><div><figure><a href="facebook.com/bizarrocomics" target="_blank"><amp-anim src="https://www.shared.com/content/images/2017/03/Bizarro_Cat_and_Dog.gif" height="9" width="16" layout="responsive"></amp-anim></a><figcaption class="op-vertical-center"><cite><a href="facebook.com/bizarrocomics" target="_blank">Bizarro Comics</a></cite></figcaption></figure></div><p><!-- [invalid-shortcode] --></p><p></p><p>31. The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me. - PTSDPillowGuy</p><p>32. What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little light - alosercalledsusie</p><p>33. My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange?"</p><p>I said: "no it doesn't." - DinosRoar1</p><p>34. How many eye doctors does it take to change a light bulb? Is it one or two? One...or two?</p><p>35. Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well. - rangers_fan2</p><p>36. What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. - BiffWhistler</p><p>37. So what if I don't know what "Armageddon" means? it's not the end of the world. - Jefferncfc</p><p>38. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair. - ImHully</p><p>39. I found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letter. It's shift work. - 3shirts</p><p>40. Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them. - georgie</p><div><figure><a href="facebook.com/bizarrocomics" target="_blank"><amp-anim src="https://www.shared.com/content/images/2017/03/Catsled.gif" height="9" width="16" layout="responsive"></amp-anim></a><figcaption class="op-vertical-center"><cite><a href="facebook.com/bizarrocomics" target="_blank">Bizarro Comics</a></cite></figcaption></figure></div><p><!-- [invalid-shortcode] --></p><p></p><p>41. What do the movies <em>Titanic </em>and <em>The Sixth Sense</em> have in common? Icy dead people. - mysevenyearitch</p><p>42. What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon? Tennish. - 3shirts</p><p>43. How does a rabbi make his coffee? Hebrews it. -P3rr0</p><p>44. Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other: "I need you to help me get to the other side!" </p><p>The other guy says: "You are on the other side!" - The2ndKingInTheNorth</p><p>45. A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch. </p><p>The bartender tells him "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line." </p><p>The guy looks around, but there is no punch line. - justacheesyguy</p><p>46. People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones. But people in Abu Dhabi do!</p><p>47. Want to know the last thing my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket? "Wonder how far I can kick this bucket." - madurosnstouts</p><p>48. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. - Ramundo312</p><p>49. What is "E.T." short for? Because he has little legs. - 3shirts</p><p>50. When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs. - Totally-Generic-Name</p><p><strong>Share this list if it made you laugh!</strong></p></div>